


Raggedy Man

by ChiefDoctor



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M, Spoilers for Episode: 2013 Xmas The Time of the Doctor, Spoilers for Episode: s07e14 The Name of the Doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-09
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2018-01-08 02:09:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1127140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChiefDoctor/pseuds/ChiefDoctor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s his last day of shooting.  The day seems to be a series of lasts: last time to put on the tweed, last time to pick up the sonic, last time in the TARDIS.  He’s finding it all to be a bit more difficult than he thought it would be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to our favorite Doctor....Matt Smith.   
> We're going to miss you Raggedy Man!

It’s his last day of shooting.  The day seems to be a series of lasts: last time to put on the tweed, last time to pick up the sonic, last time in the TARDIS.  He’s finding it all to be a bit more difficult than he thought it would be.  Sure he expected to be sad when it was over but this is like a death, a slow death.  Every time he realizes that this is the last time he will do something he finds himself wanting to go off for a good sulk. 

 

He supposes this must have been how Karen and Arthur felt when it was their time to go.  ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have teased them so much about it.’  He muses.  He sits with his script in one hand and his tea in the other.  Despite the fact that he has read this particular script probably a hundred times he keeps studying it.  He supposes he is willing it to say something other than what it already does.

 

He had hoped beyond hope that River would be back for his last.  He felt, like so many fans had voiced, that his Doctor needed to join River in the Library.  Steven seemed to have a different plan.  He wasn’t sharing.  Of course that wasn’t new; he hardly ever shared what his plans for River were.  With him leaving Who, he really didn’t have the privilege of foreknowledge anymore anyways.

 

Still he couldn’t get how explicitly sad it made him that River might come back and interact with a different Doctor, a Doctor that wasn’t him.  Of course that train of thought led him to think about Alex.  Didn’t they all?  Deeply in thought about one Alex Kingston, under the pretense of reading his script, he didn’t hear her approach.

 

“Oi! Stupid face!” screeched a familiar Scottish voice.  Startled from his thoughts he jerked up causing his tea to upend all over his script.  Immediately jumping out of his seat he managed to only get a few drips on his costume.  Three metres away the red haired Scot didn’t even try to contain her laughter.  “God Smithers, you haven’t changed a bit.”

 

Finally ridding himself of his tea covered script he whirls around to face her.  “Kaz!”  His voice was a combination of excitement and sadness.  She meets his waiting embrace wrapping herself around him.  She doesn’t say anything when the hug lasts a bit too long.  She understands.  She was in his position not that long ago.

 

“Hey doin’ alright there Matt?” she says as she slowly pulls back to face him.  She is surprised by the tears in his eyes.  Matt was not a crier and yet he looked like he had been crying for days.  The sight of him tugged at her heart and she pulled him back into a tight hug.  He sank into it resting his head on her shoulder.

 

After a few minutes he lifts his head, takes a step back, and brings his hands to hers before turning from her for a moment to remove the evidence from his cheeks.  He looks over her shoulder half expecting the rest of Team Tardis to be there.  Seeing his eyes searching she quietly lets him know.  “It’s just me this time.”  She swears she sees his heart break a little bit more.   To lighten the mood she suggests they go get some tea. “or are you wearing enough already?”  He laughs at that, she smiles.

 

Tea made in comfortable silence they head back to the group of chairs on set.  She waits until the warm liquid seems to calm him before asking, “So are you having a difficult time saying good-bye to the Doctor?”

 

He looks over to her with sad eyes. “Yeah, this is a lot harder than I expected it to be.  I think I owe you and Arthur an apology for all the ribbing I gave you when it was your time to leave.”  Without missing a beat, she punches him in the shoulder.  “Ow!  What was that for?”

 

“For being such a jerk to us, especially me.” She teases.

 

Rubbing his arm he breaks out in a smile, a real smile this time.  “I have missed you.”   She smiles back.  “So I didn’t know you were in the mother country.  I thought you were still being a California girl.”  She shows off her ‘tan’, although it still seems the same shade of Scottish pale to him.  “Why are you here?”

 

“Um, ok now don’t hurt me but….”  Summoning her best impression of River Song, “Spoilers!!”

 

He laughs then when he realizes she is serious.  “Oh come on, really?”  She sheepishly nods.  “Let me guess this the Moff’s idea?”

 

“Of course.  I always come when summoned by our evil troll overlord.”  They both laugh at their ‘secret’ name for Steven.

 

“Spoilers still?  On my last episode?  He loves torturing me.  Like it wasn’t bad enough that he had me have to walk around practically naked in front of the crew!”

 

“What??”

 

“Yeah, it was scripted!  According to the script you could only go to this place if you were naked and yet I was the only one naked on set!!  He didn’t make Jenna get down to her unmentionables and have to act in front of everybody.”

 

Karen is laughing so hard she practically falls out of the chair.  “So wait…. you’re naked in the actual episode?”  He nods.  “Oh my god!  And like everyone in the world is going to see you??”

 

“I know….it’s ridiculous.”  He begins to sulk again.

 

“Well I don’t know what Steven is thinking.  That is going to have fans tuning out by the millions!”  He makes a face at her.  “Seriously, I don’t know if I am going to be able to watch this episode now.  The last think I want to see on my TV screen is you all pasty and British.”

 

“Shove off Kaz!”  He grins back at her.  He has missed her, especially here on set.  Soon they are gossiping about various crew members when the evil troll overlord himself comes onto set.

 

“Ms. Pond!”  They are both startled from their conversation with the sound of Steven’s Scottish brogue.  Karen jumps up to give Steven a hug.

 

Bouncing around Steven, Karen lets him know how excited she is to be here to see Matt off.  Matt looks confused.  “So Matt it seems I forgot to give you a few pages from the end of the script.”  He hands over two pink pages indicating script changes.

 

Quickly he reads them over while Karen and Steven watch him for the moment when he understands.  He had been pacing while he was reading but then he stopped.  He reread the section again to be sure he had read it correctly then shoots a grin in Steven’s direction.  “He get’s to see her one more time?” His voice is low and (although he will never admit this) a little wobbly.  Smiling Steven nods.  Turning to Karen he asks, “So is that why you are here?”

 

“Finally, well it took you long enough!”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 


	2. Chapter 2

Of course actually filming that scene proved to be harder than either of them anticipated.  It had been hard enough doing the speech in the read through.  That day on set speaking those words felt like trying to run through quicksand.  It was his last big speech as the Doctor and the words hit so very close to home.  When it finally came time for ‘Amy’ to walk down the stairs they were both a teary mess.  He lost count of how many takes it took but finally they were able to get their emotions enough in check to finish the scene.  Dropping his bow tie to the floor of the TARDIS felt akin to dropping his heart there.  By the time he walked off the TARDIS set he was wrung out.

 

Of course there were still speeches to be said and presents to be given.  He was pretty chuffed that the props department gave him his own sonic screwdriver.  Of course they all had bets on how long it would be before he broke it.  The cast and crew were meeting at a local pub for a small wrap party.  The larger ‘official’ wrap party would be tomorrow night at Steven’s.

 

Karen sets him up in a booth shoving a beer in his hand.  They are constantly interrupted by a crew member coming by to wish him well and tell him how much they will miss him.  Some of crew (especially the boys) let Karen know how much she is missed on set.  After about a half hour Jenna arrives with Richard sliding into the booth next to Matt and Karen.

 

“Karen, this is Richard.   I don’t think you two have met yet?”  Jenna introduces.

 

“No, I haven’t.  I think you were off shooting ‘Games of Thrones’ when we did ‘Asylum of the Daleks”.  She reaches out to shake his hand.

 

“That sounds like me.”  He laughs shaking her hand.  They all enjoy each other’s company.  Karen likes that Jenna picks on Matt too.

 

“Finally he is out numbered.  At least you only had to put up with one of them.  I had to deal with this numpty and Darvill.”  She grumbles.

 

“Oh I don’t know how you survived it?  Just one of them is bad enough!”  Jenna teased.

 

“You have no idea.”  Karen says while thinking of a warm memory of the three members of Team Tardis. 

 

“Well I need to head to the loo if you will excuse me.”  Matt shoves Karen out of the booth.

 

As soon he is out of earshot Jenna starts questioning Karen.  “So how’s Alex doing?”

 

“She’s fine.  I haven’t seen her much since I’m always somewhere else filming.”

 

“So you haven’t talked with her lately?”  Jenna hedges.

 

“No, I call her all the time but….. wait is there something going on?”  She quickly closes the distance between her and Jenna.  A devilish little grin appears on Jenna’s face.  “What?!?  No, you have tell me!”  Needless to say Karen’s Scottish screech cause half the pub to look their way.

 

“Shhh!  Keep your voice down.”  She looks towards the loo to see if Matt was on his way back.  “Look, you never heard this from me, ok?”  She waits for Karen to affirm her anonymity before continuing.  “The last time Alex was here something happened between those two.”

 

“What happened?”  Karen bounced a bit on her seat.  “Did they finally shag?”

 

“I don’t really know except that Alex left very abruptly, didn’t say goodbye to any of us, and he has been a sad grump ever since.”

 

“Do you think he finally told her?”  Karen’s eyes were sparkling with delight.

 

Again she checks over her shoulder but Matt seems to be engaged in conversation at the far end of the room.  “That’s what I have been thinking but considering how they are acting I am guessing it didn’t go well.”

 

“Well that was always a possibility.  It was what held him back ~ the fear of rejection and losing her as a friend.  Has he said anything?”

 

“Not to me but then we aren’t those kinds of friends yet.  I don’t think he would feel comfortable talking about this with me.”

 

“Oh so you want _me_ to talk with him?”

 

“I think he could use someone to talk with.”  Her voice was friendly but concerned.

 

“I’ll see what I can do.”  She no sooner finishes her sentence when Matt flops back into the booth.

 

“Do about what Kaz?”  He physically and verbally intrudes on their conversation.

 

“Oi!”  She shoves him back to his side of the booth.  “None of your business.”

 

He turns to Richard.  “So what are they on about there mate?”

 

Richard takes a slow pull from his beer, “Just gossiping I believe.”  Jenna shoots him a look.

 

“Gossip, well do tell.  I like a good gossip.”  He looked at them both eagerly.

 

“Thanks a lot Richard.”  She huffs.  He looks appropriately chastised.

 

“So spill, what you gossiping about?”  He presses.

 

“Lady parts you moron!  Now but out!”  Karen hollers at him.  Matt goes beat red all the way to the tips of his ears.

 

“Um…well.. nevermind.”  He becomes very interested in the label on his beer.  Karen and Jenna burst out laughing while he tries in vain to ignore them.

 

It isn’t too late when the party disperses.  It probably has something to do with the long shooting day and the 5 or 6am call most everyone else has tomorrow.  For the first time in a very long time Matt doesn’t have anywhere he needs to be tomorrow except Moff’s wrap party which he is the guest of honor.

 

As the party is ending Karen loops her arm through Matt’s.  “Can you give me a ride?”

 

“Where are you staying?”  He slides his phone in his pocket before taking the last swig from his bottle.

 

“I’m at the Cardiff flats actually.  Moff let me use it since nearly everyone else is gone.”  Leaving the pub they feel the beginnings of the cool autumn weather around them. 

 

“Yeah but Jenna is in your old flat.”  He’s fishing in his pocket for his car keys.

 

“Yeah I know.  I was bummed but I get to stay in Alex’s old flat.”  He drops his keys to the ground scrambling to pick them up.

 

“Ya ok there?”  She looks at him curiously.  “Are you ok to drive?”

 

“Course I am.  I just dropped my keys.  Geez Kaz it’s not like I don’t drop them a hundred times a day.”  He seemed off, he was working hard to convince her.

 

Getting into the car Karen asks, “Can we stop at Tesco on the way home?”

 

He rolls his eyes.  “Oh nothing ever changes does it?  What you need apples and Nutella again?”

 

“Maybe…but I was thinking we could use more alcohol.  _We_ don’t have a 5am call tomorrow!”

 

His eyes light up.  “That is so very true!”

 

After picking up booze and munchies they head to the Cardiff flats.  Matt beelines it for his flat while Karen heads to Alex’s usual one to change into joggers and a light jumper.

 

After many shots and a game of ‘catch the popcorn’ Karen decides to venture into dangerous territory.  “So Matt how was Alex when she was here?”

 

He nearly chokes on his beer.  Making sure to not look at her he mumbles.  “Fine, she was fine.”  He begins to poke at the label on the bottle suddenly looking in Karen’s direction.  “Why is something wrong?  Is Alex not ok?”

 

“I don’t know….you tell me.  You’re the one who talks to her everyday and sends her like twenty texts a day.”  She notices his mood has soured again.

 

“Not anymore.”  He holds the beer up for a long drink.

 

“What??”  She sits up more being sure to see in his face.  “Why not?”

 

“She asked me not to.”  He tries to sound disinterested but she knows that is the last thing that he is (or is that is not??)

 

Putting her own drink down on the coffee table she scoots closer to Matt on the sofa.  “So Matt, are you going to tell me what happened between you and Alex?”  She encouraged him softly.

 

“Nothing happened.”  He seemed more interested in the pattern on his blue and red striped socks than in looking in her direction.

 

She looks at him thoughtfully before continuing.  “Matt, something must have happened if she asked you to stop calling and texting.”  He shifted uncomfortably under her stare.  “Did this have something to do with how you feel about her?”

 

“That hardly matters!”  His response sounded angry and sad.

 

“Of course it matters.  Tell me what happened.”  He hadn’t planned on saying anything but then he made the fatal mistake of looking into her eyes.  One look at her sad I want to help expression and he couldn’t stop himself.  He had to talk to someone; it had been driving him mad.

 

Trying to avoid looking at her he begins.  “The last time she was here was for the series 7 finale ‘The Name of the Doctor’.  In it it seems that River is saying goodbye to the Doctor forever.  Alex had no idea if she was coming back and Steven wouldn’t tell me anything.”

 

“Typical evil troll overlord!”  Karen spouted.

 

He chuckled.  “Yeah, so I thought this might be my last chance to tell her so I decided to go for it.”  He turns from her gaze becoming immensely interested in scrapping the label from his beer bottle.

 

“So what happened?”  Karen encouraged him to continue.

 

“Nothing.  She said we could never be and if that is why I had been calling that I should stop.  Then she left and no one has heard from her since.”

 

“What do you mean no one?”  Karen sounds concerned.

 

“Well unless everybody is lying to me.  No one!  Arthur, Steven, Jenna, Babs.  They all claim to not have heard from her even when they have called or texted her.”

 

“Well I just talked to her last week.”

 

He sits up staring at her.  “You did?  How is she?”

 

“Well she said she’s fine but then Alex always says she’s fine.  Her house could be crashing down around her in an earthquake and she’d say she’s fine.” 

 

He had to chuckle cause it was so true.

 

“So I’m guessing she didn’t say anything to you about our talk?”  He looks at her hopefully.

 

“No, not at all.”  He looks defeated.  “So can you give me more details?  What exactly transpired?”

 

“Transpired?  Oh were using all fancy words now that you live in the States, huh?”  He can’t help but tease her.

 

“Yes, yes I am!  Now don’t try to change the subject.  What happened with Alex?”

 

For a few minutes he sat quietly.  She wasn’t sure if he was going to tell her or not but she waited.  “After the wrap party for series 7”.  he began, “I drove Alex and I back here to our flats.  When we got here I invited her in for tea.  It wasn’t too late so she agreed.  She said she should enjoy her time with me while she could since this was probably the last time we would both be here.”

 

He rubs his face with his hand trying to will the memory away.  “I told her it didn’t have to be that way. That we could see each other whenever we liked.  She laughed at that.  She looked so beautiful in that moment.  I love when she laughs.  I couldn’t stop myself.  I walked over to her and kissed her.”  He stops to think about that moment while sipping his beer.

 

“Then what happened?  Did she kiss you back?”

 

He smiles remembering.  “Yes, she did.”

 

“and??”  She impatiently prompted.

 

“and then she came to her senses.  She pushed me away and told me all the reasons why we couldn’t be together:  the age difference, our careers, she can’t have children, her previous marriages.  Pretty much every reason that I already had considered.”

 

“Did she listen to you when you told her that?”  He scrunched up his face.

 

“I told her.  I don’t think she heard me though.  I told her that none of that mattered.  That I loved her and had for a very long time.  I told her that I knew she had been hurt and that I would do everything I could to not hurt her, ever.  I told her I didn’t care about her age or mine.  I told her I didn’t care that she had been married before and that I was glad because that made her into the strong person she was today.  The person I fell in love with.  I told her that her and Salome was all the family I ever needed.  It didn’t matter.  In the end she turned and walked out of my flat and my life.”

 

He sits quietly now reliving it all again and again in his mind.  Should he have said something different?  How could he have convinced her?  It’s the same thing he has been doing for months now.  Surprisingly Karen is quiet as well.  Somehow she senses that he needs some time with his thoughts.

 

Finally she says, “But she didn’t say that she didn’t care about you?”

 

He is startled from his thoughts at the sound of her voice.  “Huh?  What?”  He turns to look at her.

 

“Matt did she ever say how she felt about you?” 

 

He pauses to think, to relive the memory again and again.  “No, not really but then it seemed pretty clear that she didn’t want me.”

 

“I’m not so sure.”  He looked over to her biting her bottom lip concentrating hard on something.

 

“What?”  His expression is confused and a bit weary.

 

“This sounds like Alex doing what Alex always does.  Thinking of everyone else but herself.  You’re a lot younger than her and she knows your career is probably going to take off once you leave Who.  She’s said that herself how many times?”  He nods.  “She thinks she might hold you back or not be able to give you the family you deserve.”

 

He thinks on this for several minutes.  “Matt, I don’t think it’s that she doesn’t want you.  I think she thinks she doesn’t deserve you.”  His eyes widen at her interpretation of events.  He rises from the couch and begins to pace back and forth.

 

After several minutes he stops to ask her, “Do you think that is true or are you just trying to make me feel better?  Because if is the latter, it’s not working.  It’s just giving me hope here.  So don’t give me hope unless you are sure.”  He has stopped in front of her staring at her desperately wanting her to give him hope.

 

She grabs his hands motioning for him to sit down.  “Matt, I have watched you and Alex interact for the past three years.  The flirting, the banter, everything was always so sexually charged between the two of you.  I would catch her when she thought no one was looking ~ watching you.  You might have been doing a scene or talking to someone on the set.  She was definitely interested in you.  I used to think that she had that same love sick look on her face that you got.  I don’t think there is anyone who has spent time around the two of you who thought you weren’t going to end up together.”

 

“Do you really think so Kaz?”  It was almost a whisper as if he was afraid to put voice to his hope that it might disappear.

 

She scoots closer to him taking his arm in hers while resting her head on his shoulder.  “Yes Matt, I really do.”  They sit there for a long while.  Her eyes are starting to get droopy but he is wide awake contemplating the possibility that he might still have a chance with Alex.

 

“What should I do now?”  He asks out loud.

 

Half asleep she mumbles,  “Go get her!”  He looks down to see that she is nearly asleep.

 

He rustles her up walking her over to her flat, well really Alex’s flat.  After tucking her in he stands in the lounge looking around the tiny flat.  Closing his eyes he can visualize all of Alex’s things there, he can almost smell her scent permeate through the air.  He remembers the many times he had been in this flat with her:  running lines, pretending to run lines so he could spend more time with her, eating any and all food she would cook for him, playing games with Salome and Alex together.  Those were some of his favorite memories of the past three years.  He smiled.

 

When he opened his eyes they were all gone.  The shelves were empty instead of holding way too many pictures of her daughter and friends.  The kitchen was spotless unlike the mess of someone always cooking that hers always had.  There were no shoes left casually by the door.  His heart felt as empty as this flat looked.

 

He locked the door behind him going back to his flat to try to sleep himself.  He knew he wouldn’t.  He hasn’t really slept since she left.  She invades his dreams every night.  It doesn’t matter how pleasant the dream begins, it always ends the same…..she walks out.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	3. Chapter 3

He was right.  He wasn’t able to sleep well.  Karen giving him hope only renewed his cycle of dreams giving them more promise.  Still in the end she was always gone.  Having tossed and turned most of the night, he made no effort to get up.  It wasn’t until he heard the pounding on his door did he decide to face the day.

 

Stumbling over to the door he opened it to see a very wide-awake Karen.  “Geez Kaz, can’t you let a person sleep?”

 

“Sleep?”  She took in his disheveled look as she walked in.  His hair was all askew, he was wearing no shirt, and his joggers half hung off his waist.  “Are you still sleeping?  It’s nearly 3!”

 

“Yeah, well I didn’t sleep so well last night.  Is that ok with you?”  His voice sounded rough.

 

She watched him as he ambled over to the kitchen putting the kettle on and searching for clean mugs.  He doesn’t ask if she wants tea.  He just automatically does.  She watches him carefully as he places the tea in the mugs, pouring in the water, and searching the cupboards for some biscuits.  Finding his prize he pulls out a saucer to place them on, finally handing her steeped tea.

 

Taking her tea she observes, “You know I could see you as somebody’s husband.”

 

Tea sputters from his mouth.  “What?!?”

 

Blushing she back tracks, “Not me, no, no, not me but somebody…..like Alex.”

 

He rolls his eyes at her turning to head towards the lounge.  “I think that ship has sailed Kaz.”  He flops down on the couch causing tea to drip on his bare chest.  “Ouch!”

 

She laughs at him.  “I have been thinking about this since we talked last night and I’m not so sure it has.”

 

“Me too Kaz.  I have thought of nothing else.”  He sounded resigned.

 

They sit sipping their tea in silence.  “I think you should come back to LA with me.”  She says out of the blue.

 

“What?  Why?”

 

“Cause I don’t think that Alex really wanted to push you away.  I think she is just scared and she thinks she is doing what is best for you.  I also think that this not talking to you has been as hard on her as it has been for you.”

 

“What makes you say that Kaz?  You said when you talked with her that she said she was fine.”

 

A smile sneaks across her lips.  “Well that’s why I didn’t ask her.  I asked the one person who I knew would tell me the truth about Alex.”  She seems rather smug with herself.

 

“Who’s that?”

 

“Salome.”

 

“You talked with Salome?  When?”

 

“Very early this morning.  God, the things I don’t do for you!”  She shoves his shoulder.

 

“So what did she say?”  He was eagerly waiting for any tidbit about Alex.

 

“Salome says she’s miserable and has been ever since she came back from the UK.”  His eyes widen with the hope that it gives him.  “She said every time she asks her mum why she’s sad she turns away as if to hide the tears.”

 

“Really?”  He looked so hopeful she truly hoped she was doing the right thing in telling him.

 

“Yeah, so I think you should head back to LA with me tomorrow.”

 

“Tomorrow?  I can’t.  I still have stuff to do for Who:  ADR, audio tapes, some prom…..”

 

“All that can wait!  I think you and Alex have waited long enough.”

 

“But Kaz!”

 

“No buts Smithers, I wouldn’t be pushing you into this if I didn’t think I was right.  Showing up on her doorstep might just be what she needs to realize how much she’s missed you.  You have to do this.”

 

“But what if she sends me away?”

 

“She could but I don’t think she will, not after talking with Salome.  In the tiny, miniscule chance that she does at least you will know you tried your best and you can let it go.”

 

“Do you think it’s just that easy?”

 

“No, I don’t but you seem to be stuck in some limbo of ‘what if’.  It’s time to take a chance.  You’ll fly high or fall spectacularly but either way you will have your answer.”

 

He sits quietly processing Karen’s words wanting so much to grab onto the hope that she is giving him.  Finally he looks up and says, “Ok.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 


	4. Chapter 4

When they arrive at Steven’s the party is well under way.  It was all Karen’s fault that they were late.  She insisted he pack before they left and stayed to supervise him doing so.  Then she took an obscene amount of time to get ready.  He considered leaving for the party and have her take a taxi but she was Kaz and he wouldn’t do that to her.  So he arrives late to his own farewell party.

 

Sue greets them at the door.  “About time you got here.  Steven was having a fit.”  She waves them in.  “The bars….. well you know where everything is.  Matt, Steven wanted to talk to you.  He told me to tell him when you arrived.”

 

“Thanks Sue.”  He kisses her on her cheek.  “Let me guess, he’s in his study?”

 

“Of course!  He throws a party and then hides out from most of it.  What else is new?”  She jokes.

 

He walks with Karen to the bar getting them both a drink.  She immediately starts chatting with Lynnette from make-up so he decides to go find the Moff.

 

Knocking on the study door he hears,  “Enter.”

 

“Hey there Steven.  Hiding out from the party again?”  He teases.

 

“Oh just for a few.  I was hoping to catch you by yourself before the hordes descend on you.”  He motions to the big leather chairs by the fireplace.

 

“Oh I don’t think it’s going to be quite hordes.”

 

“I wouldn’t be so sure.  Hair and make-up alone are so distraught that you are leaving that they have threatened my life, more than once.”  They laugh.  He has always gotten on well with the hair and make-up department.  “So how are you doing saying goodbye to the Doctor?”

 

“It hasn’t really sunk in yet to be honest.  And I’m not really done, still have ADR to do, audio books, then there’s all the promotion for the 50th and then the Special at Christmas.”

 

“Yes, it does seem that your work is never done.  Sorry about that.”

 

“No, it’s fine.  I love doing all that stuff.  It’s cool.”

 

“So do you have anything lined up?”  Steven inquires.

 

“No, not really.  There’s a possibility of a play but I don’t know.  I’ve barely had time to realize I didn’t have a 5am call time to get to.”  Steven laughs.

 

“Well you know that if there is ever anything you need I am just a phone call away.”

 

“Well…. I might need you to cover for me next week….but maybe not…well… it really depends on how things turn out…. which I’m sure they won’t so it’s probably a mute point.”

 

“Sorry?  What?”

 

“Um nevermind.”

 

Steven sits back looking at him.  He has become such a confident actor and spokesperson for the show.  What is this?  Oh of course, there is only one person who can fluster him like this.  Watching him closely he can see his heavy heart knowing a little bit what took place last time she was here.  “So Matt, you going after her?”

 

Startled from his thoughts.  “Huh?  What??  After who?”

 

A smile curls on Steven’s face.  “Why the lovely Ms. Kingston.  Who else?”

 

“Did Kaz talk to you too?”

 

“Karen?  No, I only saw her on set with you yesterday for a few minutes.  She hasn’t told me a thing.”

 

“Well, she’s decided that I need to go back to LA with her (like tomorrow) and show up on Alex’s doorstep (possibly to beg her to…..)”

 

Steven shifts forward in his chair getting Matt to look him square in the face.  “Matt my job hinges on me being able to read people.  I have watched the two of you dance around each other for what three years now.  I believe she cares as much for you as you do her.”

 

“But what if that isn’t enough for her?  Kaz thinks she’s convince herself that I’m better off without her.”

 

“Are you?”

 

“No, I’m bloody miserable.  She won’t even take my calls or texts.  I feel like I’ve lost a limb.”  He jumps up to remove himself from Steven’s eye line.  He quickly brushes the tears that have somehow escaped away.  Standing near the study window he gazes at the fairy lights that have been woven over the back garden.

 

Steven comes up behind him and clasps him on his shoulder.  “I think Karen’s right.  I think you have to do this.  Alex is the kind of person who always puts everyone else’s needs above her own.  She would sabotage her own happiness if she thought it was what was best for you.”

 

“But it’s not what’s best for me!”

 

He pats him on the back.  “I’m not the one you need to tell that to.”  Matt nods in agreement. 

 

“Let’s head out to the party, eh?  I think it’s time that the ‘evil troll overlord’ makes an appearance.” 

 

Matt gasps and looks at Steven.  “You knew about that?”

 

“Matthew my boy I know how to charm the girls in hair and make-up as well as you.”  They laugh.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When they reenter the party he seeks out Kaz.  He finds her next to Arthur.  Where else?  “Hey there mate.”  Matt and Arthur give each other a one armed hug.

 

“So you did it, huh?  Going to be out with the rest of us scrounging for work?”  Arthur teases.

 

Matt retorts.  “Well, I figured if you could find jobs it should be a piece of cake for me!”

 

“Well I don’t know about that Smithers.  Maybe back when you had hair!”  Karen jumps in.  It’s at that moment that Matt decides to stick out his tongue threatening to touch Karen’s cheek.  Arthur joins in on the other side with his tongue out.  “Eww!  You guys are so gross!”  She pushes them away.  “I wish Alex were here to keep you both in line.”  She immediately regretted her words when she saw Matt’s face.

 

Arthur hadn’t noticed Matt’s reaction.  “So why isn’t Alex here anyways?” He asks.  “I called her to see if I could pick her up at Heathrow and she said she wasn’t coming.  She wouldn’t really give me a reason why though.  Do you guys have any idea?”

 

The air became thick with silence.  Arthur’s eyes darted back and forth between Karen’s and Matt’s.  “Ok, so you lot look like you know something so spill.  What do you know about Alex?”

 

Averting his eyes he catches sight of Jenna across the room.  “Sorry, let me go say hi to Jenna.”  He takes off in her direction.

 

“Sure, dump us for your new companion!”  Karen mocks him.

 

When Matt is far enough away Arthur comes closer to Karen.  “So are you going to tell me what’s going on here because it’s pretty obvious something is?”

 

She pulls him out into the foyer, “Well apparently the last time Alex was here Matt finally came clean about how he felt about her.”

 

“Really?  About bloody time!”  Arthur sounds triumphant.

 

“Yeah, but apparently Alex wasn’t as receptive to the idea as he had hoped.”  She tells him in hushed tones.

 

“Why what happened?”  Concern is now lacing Arthur’s question.

 

“She ran.  She turned him down and ran back to LA.  Now she won’t take his calls or texts and he’s a right wreck.”

 

“Oh.”  Arthur seems to be deep in thought.  “So that is why she didn’t want to come here.  She didn’t want to face him.”

 

“I think so.”  Karen seems to be lost in her thoughts too.  “But didn’t you always think…?”

 

“Yeah, I did.  She seemed to match him toe for toe with the flirting and remember how she insisted on taking care of him when he got sick.  I mean she never went to those lengths for either of us.  It always seemed like there was more there.”

 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.  Honestly I used to think that they were secretly shagging and just keeping it from us.”  She giggles.

 

Arthur joins in the laughter.  “Yeah, me too!”  “So how do we fix this?”

 

“Well I’ve convinced Matt to come back to LA with me tomorrow.  I’m going to shove him on Alex’s doorstep and see if she’ll feel sorry enough to let him in.”

 

“Do you think that’s wise?”  Arthur forever the calm in the storm.

 

“I think he has to.  He has to let this go one way or another.  Yes, she might reject him again but my gut tells me she won’t.  You know Alex she will take forever to decide what she wants from a diner menu.  I think Matt surprised her and she wasn’t ready to hear it then.  Now she’s created a situation where she can’t really go back.  I suspect now that she has thought about it the idea of being with Matt isn’t such a crazy notion to her.”

 

“I don’t know Kaz.  This could end very badly.  She really might not want a relationship with Matt.  Maybe we all read the signs wrong.”

 

“Ah, but I have it on very good authority that she is right miserable and has been since she returned from the UK.”

 

“From who?”

 

“From Salome.”  She looked triumphant in her reveal.

 

His eyes go wide.  “Really, well then you might be on to something there wife.”

 

“Thank you husband.  Now let’s go find stupid face and get this party rockin.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The party stretched on into the early hours of the morning.  Matt tried not to look for those glorious curls around every corner of the room but it was involuntary for him, like breathing.  Despite his heartbreak he enjoyed his farewell party.  He knew that this would probably be the last time he saw many of these people and he wanted to remember the good times they had had together.

 

There was dancing.  After much chanting he succumbed to the crowd’s request for the “drunk giraffe”.  There was drinking.  There was much drinking.  This had been a very long year of filming not only for the cast but also the crew.  The addition of the 50th had taken away from the precious down time they would have had.  There would be much to do for the crew and production team to get ready for the new Doctor.  They were going to enjoy this respite while they could.

 

Most everyone had left by 3am.  That just left Matt, Arthur, Karen, Jenna, Richard, and of course Steven and Sue.  When Sue found out that Matt and Karen were leaving right after the party to head to the airport she insisted on making them breakfast.  So in the very wee hours of the morning they were all seated around the Moffat dining table tucking into a proper breakfast. 

 

Apparently Richard had been left out of the loop or he wouldn’t have asked.  “So Matt, do you have an acting job in LA lined up?”

 

“No, nothing yet.”  Matt answered quickly keeping his eyes on his eggs.

 

“So why the rush to get out there?”  Richard is curious.

 

“Well…um…you see..”  He looks pleadingly at Karen to help him out.

 

“We’re leaving so quick because I have to get back.”  Karen pipes up.

 

Richard looks from Karen to Matt to Jenna then back to Karen.  “So are you guys a couple now?”

 

Matt nearly chokes on his eggs, Karen makes gagging sounds and Arthur nearly falls off his chair laughing.  “Eww!  No way!  Gross!”

 

“Gee thanks Kaz.”  Matt makes a face at her.

 

“Shut it stupid face.  No, he needs to get his arse to LA.  I need to get back to LA.  So were taking the same flight.  Somebody’s got to hold his hand during the flight.” She says in a stage whisper, “You know how skittish he can get.”  They all laugh except for Matt who just goes red.

 

“But that still doesn’t explain why you’re going to LA?”  Richard presses.  Geez this guy is like a dog with a bone.  Jenna pulls him in to whisper in his ear.  He nods and lets the subject drop.

 

Shockingly somewhat sober when they depart around 4am they head back to the Cardiff flats to grab their bags and wait for the car service to pick them up at half 4.  When they were leaving Moff pulled him aside.  “Hey best of luck to you out there.  For what it’s worth I think you’re doing the right thing.”

 

“God, I hope your right.  I don’t know what I’ll do if this doesn’t work.”

 

“Well then…..make sure it works.”  He pats him on the back as Matt nods.

 

By the time they get back to their flats and pick up their bags the car service is waiting for them.  Arthur had followed them back.  He hugged Karen and let her know he would call her soon and that he might be heading to the states in the next couple of months.  She got in the car waiting for Matt.

 

“Matt, I know this is what you want and I really do think it’s what Alex wants too but promise me you’ll be careful with her.  She’s so used to guys treating her badly.”

 

Matt nods.  “I understand mate.  Thanks, I appreciate the support.”  He hugs him goodbye.

 

“Good luck man!”  Matt gives him a salute before ducking into the car.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	5. Chapter 5

They slept most of the way in the car to Heathrow.  Once there they had to take care of luggage, getting through security, and then the interminable waiting for the flight to be called.  Usually he and Karen traveling together would draw attention.  Their new hairstyles made it easier to go unrecognized and for that he was grateful. 

 

He was a bundle of nerves.  He still had no idea what he was going to say to her when he got there but he couldn’t wait to get there.  Just the idea that he would be in the same city as Alex, hell the same country made him giddy.

 

Getting situated on the plane he was grateful to have Karen there.  Yes, so he could hold her hand during take-off (he really didn’t like flying that much) but also because she kept him distracted from his thoughts.  He even managed to sleep for a couple of hours.

 

Arriving in LA he was immediately hit by the heat.  “God, how can it still be this warm here?  It’s autumn.”

 

“Welcome to LA, Mr. Smith.  That’s why I am going to make sure to get back to Scotland for the hols.  Can’t really be singing ‘White Christmas’ when you’re sweating.”

 

He laughs.  Talking about the weather.  He’ll take it, anything that can distract him from his thoughts about Alex.

 

When they get to Karen’s she shows him to the guest room.  “It’s not much but then I’m hardly ever here myself.”  On the plane they….well he says they….really Karen devised the plan that they would go back to her place, settle in, and take a nap before he heads over to Alex’s.  “Do you want tea or are you ready to crash?”  She asks.

 

“I don’t think I can sleep right now.”  He admits.

 

“So tea it is.”  She heads to her small kitchen to prepare them tea.  He wanders around her place checking it out.  Finally he stops at the window taking in the view.  “It’s not a bad view.”  She says coming up behind him.  He turns and she places a mug in his hands.

 

“Thanks.  No, it’s not a bad view.  It’s so different here isn’t it?”  He muses.

 

“Yeah, it’s like another world.”  She laughs.  “Of course, I guess it is.  It is a different country after all.”  He laughs too.

 

“Are you happy here?”  His question surprises her.  She makes her way to the sofa.

 

“Um, yeah I guess so.  I mean it’s not home.  I don’t think it will ever feel like home but its fun for now.  I suppose like an adventure.”

 

He nods before joining her on the sofa.  “Yeah like an adventure.”  He repeats.  They sit in silence for a few minutes sipping their tea. 

 

“Matt, what are you thinking?”  She turns to look at him.

 

He seems startled from his thoughts as he faces her.  “I don’t know.  I’m just wondering if this whole idea is crazy.  I mean here I’ve come all the way to America to what throw myself at her feet?  I can’t help but think that this can only end badly.”  She just listens without adding any comment.  He seems to need to work this out himself.  “What if she slams her door in my face?”

 

“What if she doesn’t?”

 

“Ah then…….God then I really don’t know what to do.  Jesus Kaz I’m rubbish at this.  It’s no wonder she doesn’t want anything to do with me.”  He rubs his hands over his face.

 

“Matt, look at me.”  He peers around his fingers to see her smile at him.  Reaching out she takes his hands in hers.  “Hey, I know you’re scared.  I get that.  This is a big leap of faith.  And I can’t promise you that it will all work out.”  His face falls.  “What I can promise you is that you will know you did everything you could to be with Alex.  Whether she is willing to take that leap of faith with you is up to her.”  He nods while she pulls him into an embrace.

 

After a few minutes, “Thanks Kaz.  I think I’m ready for that nap now.”

 

“Ok, you have the address right?”  He nods.  “Alright so the taxi company phone number is on the fridge.  Just call them when you’re ready.”

 

“Thanks for everything.”  He squeezes her hand.

 

“No problem.  Now go get some sleep and hey don’t wake me with your leaving.”

 

“Got it!”  He salutes her before heading to the guest room.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

He arrives at Alex’s a little past three.  He pays the taxi driver then makes his way to her door.  Standing there he wonders if he should have brought flowers or something.  ‘Well too late now you idiot.’  Rocking on the balls of his feet he finally pushes the doorbell.  He can hear footsteps on the other side of the door, the latch unlocked, and the opening of the door.  Raising his head he is shocked to see not Alex.

 

Confused he wonders if he has the wrong house.  He quickly checks the numbers next to the door.  That is the house number??  “DoctorMatt, what a surprise to see you!”  The person at the door is talking to him. 

 

‘Great, I have stumbled onto a fan’s house by mistake.’ He thinks.  “DoctorMatt, Ms. Alex isn’t here.  Was she expecting you?”

 

‘Ok, so this person knows me and Alex…..wait, she seems familiar…’  “Maria?”  He questions.

 

“Yes, you remember we met when you stayed here…..what summer before last?”  She remembers.

 

“Oh yes, of course.  I was just surprised is all.  I was expecting Alex to answer.”  He was trying to sound coherent.  He had barely formulated what he was going to say when Alex came to the door; he was completely unprepared for any other conversation.

 

“Ms. Alex is at an audition right now.  She said she should be back before supper time.  I expect in an hour or so.  Would you like to wait for her?”

 

His mouth went dry.  Being at Alex’s house even with her not there had its effect on him.  “If it’s no trouble?”

 

“Of course not.  Well come in, come in.  Can I make you some tea?”  Maria closed the door and then headed to the kitchen.  He remembered how they had gotten on well when Matt had stayed with Alex for a week after Comic Con.  Alex had said besides Salome she was the one good thing she had gotten from the divorce.  Maria had been with her since Salome was little taking care of them both.

 

He followed her to the kitchen where she was preparing tea, proper English tea.  Alex always made sure she had an ample supply.  “So DoctorMatt, I am very upset with you?”  He tensed, only guessing what Alex might have told her.  “Why have you quit being the Doctor?  You are a wonderful Doctor!”

 

He chuckled with relief.  This was about his role in Who not his role in Alex’s life.  “Well I know not everyone has been happy with my decision.  It just felt like the right time to move on.”  She passed him his cup of tea.

 

“Well I will miss your Doctor terribly.  I’m not sure if I will be able to watch the Christmas Special this year.  It seems I don’t like endings either.”  She reiterated a theme of the Doctor.

 

“You sound like me mum.  She’s quite upset with me as well.  Tried everything to change my mind.  I’m afraid I might get a lump of coal in my Christmas stocking this year!”  He laughed.

 

“Yes, well you’ve upset a good bit of people with your leaving young man.”  He wondered if she meant Alex.  He wanted to ask but wasn’t sure he could handle the answer so said nothing.  “Well I best finish my chores.  Are you alright on your own?”

 

“Yes, fine.  Don’t let me keep you.”  She started to head out of the kitchen.  “Maria, thanks for the tea.”  She nodded then headed down the hallway.  Standing in the middle of the kitchen he wondered what Alex would say when she came home to find him in her house.  Would she be happy to see him or furious?  He shook the last thoughts from his head looking around. 

 

Wandering over to the fridge he sipped his tea while looking at the collection of photos on it.  As expected, there were plenty of Salome.  Some with Alex, some with her father, some with her cousins and grandparents.  There were also pictures with him, and Karen, and Arthur.  It was surprising how many pictures there seemed to be that he was in.  He especially liked the ones that were just him and Alex, most taken at promos but a few that were taken by Karen or Arthur when it had been just them.  A smile came to his face thinking she looked at these everyday, apparently wanting them there.

 

He moved from the kitchen to the lounge.  This is the first time he had been back to Alex’s house since that summer.  He remembered how much fun they had had in that week, he and her and Salome just hanging out.  During the day he had taken in meetings but the evenings were just for being with them and he couldn’t have been happier.  He remembers them all snuggling on the sofa watching a movie together as he goes to sit on it. 

 

Lost in his memory he almost doesn’t notice the picture frame on the coffee table.  The silver frame draws his eye to it. It is a picture of him and Alex from the NTA awards.  She looked so beautiful that night.  He was honored that she had agreed to accompany him, just as friends.  He smiled remembering the night.  ‘Wait a minute…..why does she have this picture out?  Why is it sitting here on the coffee table?  Could this mean she was thinking about him too?’  He couldn’t help letting a little hope creep into his heart.

 

Maria bustled back in the room awakening him from his daydreams.  “Well DoctorMatt, I need to be going.  You be alright here on your own?”

 

“Yes, I should be fine.  When did you say you expect Alex back?”  He tried not to sound too anxious.

 

She looked at her watch.  “She should be back within the hour.”

 

“Thank you Maria.  I’ll let her know you were very kind to me.”

 

“No problem.  Just don’t break anything while you wait!”  She admonished.  He blushed.  Of course she would remember what a klutz he was.

 

“I’ll do my best.”  She nodded and headed out the door.  He heard the lock latch from the outside.

 

So here he was in Alex’s house all by himself.  He felt giddy and a bit like a stalker if he was honest.  ‘She had told you that the two of you couldn’t be and now you are standing in her house waiting for her.  No this was stalker behavior, not at all.’  He tried hard to think of what he was going to say when she came home.  Truthfully he had no idea. 

 

Without him realizing it his feet had gone up the stairs and down the hallway to her bedroom.  He wanted to feel her presence, smell her scent.  He leaned on the doorframe of her room drinking it in.  Closing his eyes he could almost feel her presence in the room with him.  Shaking his head he was about to leave when something caught his eye.  Next to the bed, draped over the lamp was a long black…was that a bowtie?  He walked over to it to examine it more closely.  It was a bowtie, and if he’s not mistaken it is the exact bowtie from the wedding scene in ‘The Wedding of River Song’.  ‘Why would Alex have this here?  Could that day have meant as much to her as it did to me?’  The fluttering in his stomach told him he might be right.

 

He looked around the room further.  On her dresser he saw the tiny glass bottle that he had given her in Utah.  He had filled it with sand from ‘their beach’ as a memento.  She had kept it and displayed it on her dresser along with mementos that obviously Salome had made her over time.  He smiled again giving him more hope than he had had when he had arrived earlier.  He decides to head back downstairs to wait for Alex.  As he is leaving he notices something familiar in front of her closet.  Bending down he picks up a Radiohead tshirt.  “That little minx; I have been wondering where that got up to.  You stole my shirt Alex?  Why would you do that if I meant nothing to you?”

 

Smiling he heads downstairs.  He is looking out into the back garden when he hears the key in the lock.  Tensing up he isn’t sure what to do, should he hide, greet her at the door….unsure he just stays put.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for 'lovelywordshenanigans' since I wouldn't want anything to happen to her if the wait was too long. I did promise. Also how can you not love when their name has the word shenanigans in it?

“I can’t believe the nerve of that man.  How dare he think he can treat me like this!” 

 

His body becomes a statue as he hears her voice filtering in from the foyer.  How did she know he was here?  Oh yeah, Maria probably told her.  He turns from the garden ready to face her when she comes into the kitchen.  He at least owes her that much.

 

He watches as she stomps into the kitchen putting the kettle on.  She doesn’t seem to notice him standing a mere three metres away by the garden doors.  She slumps against the counter rubbing her hands along her temples obviously upset he’s just no longer sure if this is about him or not.  Deciding he can’t not let her know that he is there any longer he smiles and says “Alex.”

 

She whips her head up at the sound of someone in her house.  Shocked, she first steps back then closer to see if it is really him.  “Matt?”

 

“Um, yeah, hi!”  He waves feeling every bit as stupid as it probably looked.

 

She starts towards him then stops herself.  “Matt, what are you doing here?  How did you get in here?”

 

“Um, now don’t be mad at Maria but she let me in.”  He stares at her willing her to say something or do something before he says the exact wrong thing.  Their gaze is disrupted by the whistle of the tea kettle. 

 

Alex moves to the kettle quieting it.  “Tea?” she says without looking in his direction.  He walks to the counter sitting in the stool across from her.  She gets another cup out preparing tea for the both of them making a point of not looking at him.

 

When she has prepared the tea she reaches to him with the cup in her shaking hand.  He sees that her hand is shaking and reaches out placing both hands around the cup.  Taking the cup with his left he allows his right hand to curl around hers steadying her.  He chances a glance at her face.  He’s not sure what he expected but not what he saw.  She seemed entranced by his hand in hers like a lost wish come true.  He could feel her hands moving around his, not to get away but to stroke his hand, to memorize the feel of it within hers.

 

Inching around the counter he brought her hand closer to him lifting it to his lips and kissing it ever so gently.  He watched as her eyes fluttered shut at the touch of his lips.  It wasn’t possible for him to hold back any longer.  Pulling her into him he gathered her into his arms and held her as tightly as humanely possible.  She didn’t pull away instead grabbed onto to him as tightly resting her head into his chest.  His head resting on her curls. 

 

He’s not sure how long they stood there holding each other.  He was aware that tears were streaming down his face all over her pretty curls.  It wasn’t until she finally pulled back that he realized she was crying as well.  They both laughed at each other.  Happy crying he supposed.  Resting his forehead against hers he wiped her tears from her cheek with his thumbs.  She did the same for him.  They continued in their silence just smiling and staring at one another.  Both too afraid to break this magical spell.

 

It was then that she leaned up and kissed him.  Matt let out a slight gasp of surprised but quickly returned her kiss.  Her lips pressed against his begging for entry.  He eagerly complied entwining his tongue with hers delighting in the taste of her.  Their kiss lasted for as long as they could go without air.  Finally parting for breath his arms wrapped around her, his right hand fondling her curls, his left resting on her lower back.  He felt the feeling of being home for the first time in his life.

 

“I’ve missed you.” She finally utters while her face is pressed into his chest.  He didn’t think it was possible but he pulled her even tighter to him.  Afraid there might be a millimeter of space between them.

 

“God, I have missed you too!”  He breathes out through her hair.  Feeling brave he pulls back to cup her face turning her to face him.  “You do know that I am utterly in love with you?”

 

“Matt!” She hides her face from him slowly creating space between them.  He hears his heart screech to a halt.  He feels her begin to pull away from him and he clings to her. 

 

She manages to turn in his arms away from him but he holds her from behind speaking in a soft voice in her ear, “Alex please don’t run.  I love you.  You’re all I want.  Please let me love you.”

 

In barely an audible voice she says, “You don’t want me.”

 

He can’t help but become angry at these words.  He turns her around so she is facing him, his hands on her shoulders.  “How can you say that to me?  How can you tell me I don’t want you when all I have ever told you is that I do?”  He shocks himself with the intensity of his words.  Dropping his hands he walks to the window to look out at the garden trying to get his breathing under control.

 

Turning back to look at her his voice is calmer but resolute, “I have been absolutely miserable since you left that day.  You took part of me with you, the best part of me, my heart.  Not being able to talk to you or even send you a bloody text it was like you died, and I wanted to die right along with you.  Please don’t tell me that I don’t want you because I have always wanted you, from the first day you touched my hand four years ago.”  He closes the distance between them but still keeping her at arms length.

 

“If you don’t want me Alex, that is your choice but don’t ever tell me that I don’t want you because I do and I always will.  You are the one, the one for me.”  He remains still staring at her willing her to say something.  Finally he breaks the silence.  “Will you answer one question for me with the truth?”

 

“Yes” she rasps out.

 

“The absolute truth Alex?”  he presses.

 

“Yes.”

 

Preparing himself for the answer he asks, “Do you love me?”

 

“Yes!”  He stands there numb letting the answer seep into his pores.  When it finally registers that she said yes he leaps to her picking her up and spinning her around.  He is so happy in that moment, so immensely happy.  He begins showering her with kisses to her cheek, her nose, her forehead wherever his lips land.  “But wha…” the rest of what she was going to say was swallowed by his kiss.

 

“There are no buts Alex.  Nothing else matters.  Those are just details we work around.”  He kisses her again and again.  “You love me?”  She smiles and nods at him.  “Oh Alex, you have no idea how many nights I laid awake wishing to hear those words from you.  Would you?   Say them?”  
  
Reaching up running her fingers through his hair she looks at him with such utter joy on her face.  “I love you Matt.  I think I have from the moment we met.  I kept trying to convince myself that it was wrong of me to have these feelings for you, you were so young.  It didn’t matter how much distance I tried to put between us the feelings never went away.  I can’t keep denying them; I don’t want to.  I just want to love you.”

 

“Just love me Alex……….please?”

 

“Always my love.” 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should this be the end? This is what I have been struggling with. This seemed like a beautiful ending.  
> Let me know what you think but I must warn you an additional chapter or more make take awhile.   
> The muse is not sure that this story needs to go on. I am at your mercy.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** Please not: There has been a ratings change from teen to mature **
> 
> The muse was persuaded that another chapter was needed to complete the tale. It's not an epilogue, more of a bonus chapter. I hope it meets with your approval.

They stood there holding each other for what seemed like forever.   It was like they were dancing without the music, swaying in each others arms.  Pressing lazy kisses into each others skin enjoying the feel of one another pressed together.  With a shy smile she takes his hand in hers tugging him gently from the spot.  They slowly make their way up the stairs and down the hall to her bedroom.

 

Once there she reaches up to him pulling him down to kiss him.  It is a sweet kiss, a kiss of promise, a kiss of things to come, a kiss that he hoped was only the beginning.  He picks her up and gently lays her on the bed, lying next to her.  He lay so he could look at her hardly believing that he was here next to her.  His hands traced her face, down her arms, over her hips.  He worked his way back up trying to memorize her, each and every curve. 

 

He seemed particularly interested in the curvature of her face and every line within it.  His fingertips ghosted over her feeling her as his eyes closed imprinting it all to memory.  He was worshiping her, from afar, afraid to get too close, afraid that he would wake from his dream and she would be gone once again. 

 

“Matt?”  He opened his eyes to meet hers.  “What are you thinking about?”  Her hands were mapping his face as well taking in the line from his jaw to his chest.  She could feel his heart speed up as her hands rested upon his chest.

 

His hands never resting, continuously touching, he finally responds.  “I’m trying hard to not wake up from this dream.”

 

She smiles.  “It’s not a dream darling.  I’m here, you’re here, we’re here together.  Isn’t that what you wanted?”

 

His hands stop and he looks piercing at her.  “Is it not what you want as well?”

 

“Yes, yes it is!  I was just afraid that you had changed your mind.”  She worries her bottom lip between her teeth in that way that is so so distracting to him.  He reaches out releasing it from her hold with his thumb.

 

Quietly he answers her, “No, Alex I could never change my mind.  I have wanted to be with you, to have you in my life for so long I’m afraid…..”

 

“Afraid of what darling?”  She caresses his cheek with her palm.

 

He turns to kiss it before responding.  “I’m afraid this isn’t the same for you.  I’m afraid that you don’t see me as your future the way I see you.”  He moves closer to her so their noses practically touch.  “When I look into my future I see you beside me.  I see us hand in hand at awards ceremonies, I see us cheering beside each other when Salome graduates high school, I see us arm in arm along beaches, and quaint little villages.  Everything I picture in my future is with you.  Alex, you are my everything.”

 

The smile on her face can only be described as beaming.  It makes her face glow and her eyes twinkle.  Her fingers mingle with his hair caressing it while her other hand traces his lips with her index finger.  With her eyes tracing the curves of his lips, she begins.  “Matt, I have been in love before….even married as you know.”  He starts to say something but she hushes him with her finger.  “My turn.”  He nods silently.  “They never made me feel the way you do.”  A smile, possibly a smirk, forms on his lips.  “You have always made me feel cherished.  I know we were just friends for a long time but I always felt that you respected my opinion, and that you wanted to know what I thought, about anything.  It didn’t really matter it could be something small like what tie should you wear with your suit to should you do this movie or that play.  You cared what I thought.  You would seek out my opinion, even when I was an ocean away.  I missed that so terribly these months, that connection with you.  It felt like part of me was missing.”  A lone tear escapes down his cheek.  “I thought I was doing what was best for you….letting you go.”  She brushes the tear from his cheek.  “But I promise you, I swear to you it is not what I wanted.  I want you beside me, on top of me, underneath me, any way I can get you.”  Proper tears are spilling down his face now, and hers too.  “Matthew I love you and I can’t picture my future without you either.  Please stay?”

 

“Always.”

 

“Always.” She echoes.

 

  His lips seek hers wanting, needing to taste her to feel that connection with her, to feel the electricity that flows through them when they are connected.  “God, I love you.”  He practically whispers, his voice hoarse with desire.

 

“And I love you.”  Her hand feels its way down his chest and slips under his shirt.  The feel of her hand on his skin fills him with a warmth.  It fills her with a desire for more as her other hand makes its way under his shirt pressed against his chest.  She is peppering kisses down his jaw cursing the material of his shirt for being in the way.  Pulling his shirt up she pulls back only for the moment it takes to remove his shirt.  Her mouth resumes her journey across his clavicle and down his chest. 

 

The feel of her mouth along with the tickle of her curls is almost enough to set him off right then.  He has wanted this, desired this, dreamed about this for so long he can hardly believe that it is really happening.  The weight of her hands over his jeans reminds him that this is real.  While her lips maps his chest her hands journey down over the fabric of his trousers.  Her kisses skirt the band of his jeans and he can feel her fingers unbuttoning them. 

 

His breath has become more ragged with the anticipation.  Her lips part from his skin and she gives him a most scandalous look as she slowly removes his pants and jeans together, stopping only to remove his shoes and socks.  Resting with her legs tucked under her she seems to be enjoying the view of a very naked Matt Smith lying on her bed.

 

“Oh how I have dreamed of a moment just like this one!”  Her expression is sultry and playful. 

 

“Really?”  She nods.  “and then what happens?” His voice thick and hoarse.

 

She walks up on her knees, her nails grazing his skin from his ankle to his thigh.  He shivers under her touch.  She continues to rake her nails across his pelvis and up his chest.  Walking up his chest using her hands she stops when she reaches his face.  Inches from his lips she whispers, “Then my darling I show you how very much you mean to me.”

 

Her kiss is hot and fierce against his lips.  This is no longer the languid kisses of earlier but kisses full of desire and passion.  Her body is pressed against his but her movements are never still.  Every part of her body wants to connect with his not just her lips.

 

He too wants to deepen the connection with her starting with removing the layers of clothes between them.  His hands begin to unbutton her shirt starting at the bottom while his mouth kisses her lips, her cheek, across her jaw, down her neck.  As he pushes her blouse off her shoulders he descends his lips to nip and nibble along the edge of her bra.

 

She pulls back looking at him with piercing eyes as she unbuttons the cuffs and tosses the shirt to the floor.  Reaching behind her she begins to unbutton her bra.  “No” he says breathlessly, “let me.”  A naughty smirk graces her face as she slides her hands up from his torso to around his neck.

 

“I’m all yours!” she purrs in his ear when she reaches there, her chest brushing against his, her thigh grazing his cock causing small flashes around his eyes.

 

In one swift move his arms go around to her back and he rolls them so that she is underneath him.  “Oh, how I have hoped to hear you say that!” His kiss leaves her breathless as his lips travel down her neck tasting the newly exposed skin.  Pulling back he raises his hands to the straps of her bra.  He can’t help notice that his hands are shaking.  He is with Alex, the woman he loves, and she wants to be with him as well.  There is almost too much emotion for him to handle.

 

As he drags one strap from her shoulder he places a gentle kiss there before slowly doing the same with the other.  His lips trail down to the swell of her breasts in the center of her bra leaving gentle kisses there.  His hands reach around releasing the garment.  As his hands remove it, they make their way to her front.  “God, you are gorgeous!”  His very large hands cup her breasts feeling how wonderfully they feel to his touch.  They fit perfectly as if they were made just for him.  Continuing to fondle the right his lips descend on the left; at first kissing then sucking on the nipple.

 

‘He is such a considerate lover.  How did I deny myself and him of this pleasure for so long?  Why?  It seems so silly now.’  Each time he kissed her shoulder after removing her bra strap felt like he was worshipping her.  How could she not feel cherished?  The weight of his hands on her breasts ignited her passion again.  She couldn’t help but respond and when his lips descended on her nipples her lower body began to buck with need.

 

He had to have felt her grinding against him because his lips continued down past her breasts across her abdomen.  His fingers swirling as they coasted down her body slowly peeling her trousers down her legs.  Instead of raking her legs and thighs with his fingertips as she had he left a trail of kisses, and nips from her ankles to her inner thighs.

 

The closer he moved up her legs the more intoxicating her scent became to him.  He pressed his lips and nose into her knickerclad sex drinking in the scent of her.  His fingers wrapped around the scant material dragging it from her revealing her fully to him.  When her knickers passed her ankles he tossed them over his head looking down at her with such love and devotion.  He drank in the sight of her laid out before him.  Placing his hands across her ankles his hands felt their way up her body as he hovered inches from her.  When his lips reached hers, he pressed his entire being into her filling her bits with his bits, feeling as one with her… almost.

 

He pulls away from her intent on retrieving a condom from his wallet.  She shakes her head.  “We’re good!  I’m good.  You good?”  She asks as she pulls him back.

 

“Yes!”  His voice ragged and rough. He holds her tight, his chest tight against hers as his eyes lock with hers.  A smile, no a grin comes across his face as he realizes what they are about to do.  He descends on her chest kissing her right over her heart, his smile never leaving his lips as he continues to kiss a pathway to her mouth.  As he kisses her deeply, entwining their tongues, tasting her, licking at the inside of her mouth he begins to slowly buck against her.  Without hesitation he enters her feeling her surround him, feeling truly connected to her.

 

His mouth takes hers gently sucking her breath away, their tongues intermingling in a way she has not experienced before. She feels like he could enter her soul through this kiss.  A gasp of surprise emits from her as he fills her.  Her eyes wide she searches for his.  They are focused on her, only her as he slowly begins to move within her.

 

With each stroke within her he gives himself over more to her.  He will be truly hers when they are done.  Marked as hers for so long, finally to be claimed by her, never to be anothers.  Her movements begin to match his, their passion evident in their bodies need for each other.

 

Their bodies become more frantic, more passionate.  He can’t hold their gaze anymore but buries himself into her hair, his chin on her shoulder.  His hips continue to pound into her leaving a part of himself into her care more and more.  When he breaks their stare she holds on tighter, her hands scraping at his back, drinking in the scent of him as her lips alternate between kissing and biting his shoulder.  “Alex…”  His voice is strangled, he can’t hold on much longer.

 

“I’m with you…” She manages to eek out.  He feels her body thunder around his, flooding his senses.  Not able to hold back any longer he relinquishes himself to her fully.  His strokes continue slowly easing them through their climax.  At last resting on her shoulder he can’t stop kissing her gently on her neck.  Her fingers gently stroke his back, small circles, then larger ones, never ceasing to caress him.

 

They continue to lay there holding, caressing, kissing until the ache in his groin forced him to separate himself from her.  He didn’t go far and it didn’t change their actions until slowly sleep took them.  Entwined within each other they slept knowing what love truly felt like and that they would never let it slip away again.

 

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